Good morrow, oh faithful followers...
Wow, it's been a while since I attacked this thing...
I seem to come on here to talk about feelings (usually anger, or sadness) and it used to be when I felt depressed...I'm beginning to notice a pattern...even if it is a somewhat weak, blog related pattern..
We have had so much work to do it's unreal...I wish so bad that I could just give up sometimes, but I'm determined to graduate and make my parents proud of me on graduation day. But I've been getting these headaches, which reduces the motivation to do work and I just lie in bed hoping my brain will either stop trying to escape out of the back of my head, or that it will actually achieve it and at least then I have the excuse of no longer having a brain...My logic is second to none...honest.
Since New Year, I've felt really good. I think I even posted about it...Maybe. Either way, I shall reiterate.
I felt happy for the first time in 2, maybe 3, years. And I don't just mean cheery happy, I mean non-suicidal happy. So it's been somewhat of a change...And this happiness came from a few realisations and finally getting completely over my ex. And what I really needed was that someone to keep me there, but of course that didn't quite happen.
Now, I'm not saying that I need a man to be happy. I'm really not. There's just been this certain feeling of emptiness, and a feeling that it would only be a matter of time before I slipped again, and here it is. Here is me slipping. And it feels rubbish.
Since previously mentioned activities in January, I've felt good, but I've felt it declining somewhat steadily...there's still part of me that likes that guy as well, but since he has a girlfriend now, it's somewhat redundant, but even if he didn't, what are the chances of him liking me that much anyway? I mean, I'm freakishly tall (which, ok isn't that much of a problem), I'm still overweight (and lack of a happy head makes for a lack of weightloss, it really does), I don't feel attractive (ever, so why would he? (Or anyone else for that matter))....Ok, those are completely shallow reasons not to be with someone, but who cares? They're still my hang ups, and I still don't think any guy would be able to, or even want to, see past them enough to like me...
It's almost as though I need someone to be able to keep my mind occupied. To be able to focus my feelings onto someone else, instead of thinking: "Well, we tried. We failed. Again. What now? Wanna go facebook stalk the ex that you've just got over?!"
I didn't, by the way...he just popped up on a friend's status, which then made me think about him, of course, and think about all the crappy times that we had (which is unusual, since it's usually the happy times that make me sad) and I get to thinking about when Adam told me that I'd been cheated on. He didn't tell me as such, he let it slip, thinking that I knew.
"Chris was just a lying, cheating douche bag."
"What? He cheated on me?"
"I thought you knew that?"
This conversation is forever etched in my mind as the moment my relationship dissolved. Of course, I didn't find out until recently, and he did admit it when I confronted him. But when I think about the last 18 months of our relationship, it explains sooo much. It had gotten to the point where I didn't feel like I should be at his house, like I wouldn't be missed if I wasn't there, because he'd spend the entire weekend watching the football, or out with his stupid friends, and we barely spoke, and when asked if he was ok, he'd always say he was fine, and end up getting mad at me for constantly asking, up to the point where I thought that I'd done something, that I'd said something wrong or whatever...but now I realise that he didn't talk to me because he felt he might blurt it out (maybe) and he didn't want to hurt me (his words, not mine), and the reason he was always looking down was maybe because he felt guilty about it, but still, didn't want to tell me because it would hurt me and I might break up with him? Maybe...but in hindsight, if he'd told me, am I not a reasonable enough person that I'd be mad at him for a while, but we might still be together?
What I'm trying to deduce is that the break up wasn't my fault, and I shouldn't hate myself for breaking his heart...But what I can't work out is that he never told me. Until I found out he was perfectly ok with letting me think that I was the reason he didn't want to talk and was always glum.
What boyfriend would rather save their own skin than let the girl they love believe that they're not good enough?
Maybe that's why I'm upset. Maybe the fact that I've blamed myself for so long, and he wasn't even willing to admit fault to anything...he was so surprised when we split up, which is why I blamed myself...he thought it was all going so well, he had no idea, so I could only deduce that it was me that was wrong...that I should take myself out of the equation...
I do wish that I could see him again, but I know that it would just make things worse...safe thing about Monsieur Blog is that he's never going to read it :) it's not like he needs to know what I still think of him, or even the fact that I do still think of him.
Well, I'm going to stop before the men in white coats come to take me away...
Sincerely, in need of meds...
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