Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world.

I've completely run out of ideas here. I've been ranting for weeks now that I want a boyfriend.
So when a perfectly nice guy implies that he wants to ask me out, why do I want to run for the hills?
Because I don't want a boyfriend. I want the boyfriend that I'm never getting back. If I can have a relationship that was identical to all the fun I had in that one, then I'd take it straight away. Only it won't. It never will. So why am I still wishing like hell that I can have that back? Question two, being, it's been 18 months girl! Why do you still care?! ...Ok so that one I can't really answer. I don't know why I still care. There might have been a few shit times. Time where I felt like I might as well not be there. Times when I felt like he would be better off without me because it didn't seem like he wanted me. But then there were the good times. The times we sat up 'til late watching Supernatural or something, or playing Fallout (well, me playing FO3 on the PS3 and him on Football Manager on the PC, but you catch my drift). The times when we babysat for little Dylan and vowed that there would be one of our own one day.
That's why I care. Because I don't get one of our own. People think that I'm just jealous that he wants her, and not me, but that's not it. It's not that he's got someone else, it's that that someone isn't me. It was me for 3 years, and I can't get past that it won't be me again.
So this perfectly nice guy asks me out, and I run for the hills. And he is nice, I've only known him a year, and we got together when I was drunk...so how does that make me feel about him? Ok, so a year ago, it was a couple months after I got crushed....So I was still in rebound/suicide mode...so was he a rebound? Was he just me trying to get over him? It's driving me mad that I'm dwelling on it though....It's got the kind of, 'I need me a boyfriend...but do I want him?' written all over it...I know I want the old one back, it feels strange (still) that after 3 years I'm probably likely to never see him again.
So the last guy I liked, I mean really liked...managed-to-make-me-forget-about-the-ex liked...he messed me around, but he made a good distraction. I really thought that if he could just chill, forget about his psycho friend and accept that we could be together I could love him...but no, he's just a douche (and anyone in the loop knows who that is ;P)


So what am I afraid of?
What if I accept, I start seeing this other guy, and I stave off, just so I can feel something before I jump into bed with him (because I'm good like that ^_^), what if I do forget about the ex? Am I afraid that I'll forget? Am I afraid that I won't miss him any more, that I won't love him any more? Maybe that does scare me more than being alone. Maybe...I don't know what...I thought I was over this. I did. I announced it to a few friends, so proudly. And yet here I am, rambling about the possibility of losing that feeling? That feeling that I've wished for over a year to not feel any more...Do I really want to let it go? Am I brave enough to take the plunge and try to get myself happy again? Brave enough so that you can all stop the 24-hour suicide watch, and I can actually get on with my life without this feeling that something someone's missing from my life and my relationships? I don't know if I can.
I don't know if I'm strong enough...I know I sound melodramatic, too. Just so you all know, I do realise how 'woe is me!' I sound, trust me, I know people have got it worse. I just need somewhere to publicly vent sometimes, and facebook fails for that...And I need to work my problems out, I need to sit and explain every little thing to myself, and anyone I've tried to explain things to will know that this is a very frustrating process as I cannot articulate for the life of me!