I took your love letters, corrected the grammar and sent them back

It's funny what you end up missing the most. Whether it's the ex that you desperately want to talk to, or the best friend that you know won't be your best friend again, or your mum, who moved away and you haven't seen in months, or your dad, who married a woman with evil spawn children and hates you so you moved out, or the best friend, who is still your best friend, you still see them a lot, but you just miss how they were.
Ok, it's not that my best friend has changed, he's as brilliant as he ever was, maybe more so since he came out of his shell. I just miss how we used to be, I miss it everyday. I guess I miss a time, more than a person or a thing. I miss first year. I miss getting up at 6.30 practically every morning, I miss the bus rides (ok, not so much the bus rides), I miss walking round town before going down to the bus station to go home, I miss buying a new hat because it's just started snowing and my head's cold! I miss how bloody easy my degree was! I miss getting porridge from Mcdonalds and eating it in the first Microbiology (BIOM1905, tyvm) lecture (with no questions from Dr. Ioannou), and an entire day of lectures, finishing with Dr. Pickering and her hand written OHP sheets, then to Yumchi for tea and Demon TV Pre Production meetings led by Sheena.
I miss feeling happy. Contrary to popular belief, I was incredibly happy back in first year. I was blonde and bubbly, although having just discovered that I had no friends, I was optimistic about uni and making new friends, and meeting Libor on the second day (Well, spotting him running from the registration room on the first day and having Chris point out that I was the only white person in the room!). I was blonde, and it was bright pink underneath, it looked great. I was motivated, and I was smiling every day, even when it was cold and I really couldn't be arsed to walk to the bus station (cries of "I wish I could drive!" later corrected  by Libor when I passed my test, became "I wish I had a car!" and corrected again once I'd bought a car, but couldn't drive it in because the fan belt snapped on her first journey home from Derby, became "I wish my car worked!" I miss being happy. I miss being in love. Well, in love with somebody that was there. Somebody that said "I love you too". Somebody that promised me the world and more. Somebody I wanted to marry. I miss not feeling sad. Not a day goes by anymore that I don't feel like something could be better. That I'm not going to fail, that someone wants me. I really miss not having a car, and not having to work just to survive. I miss not being in debt! That would be a nice one to go back to! I tell people that I'm doing ok with my course, that I just can't remember information, that I understand it. I can remember what a lecture has been about...but I could never tell you the details of a lecture, any of the content. I'm not motivated anymore. I don't feel that excitement of going to uni, then calling up my boyfriend to tell him about it, or getting in, making my tea and telling my dad about my day. I miss living at home really. I miss the times when it was me, dad and Jack. I miss the times when mum lived there too, when we were just a conventional family, going on picnics, to grandma's every weekend, going for walks up to the church or across the fields when people were over....I don't really like the life I have, but I know I need to make the most of it. I don't like the way I've turned out. I still wish there were certain decisions that I hadn't made 18 months ago, and I hate that I'm still mental about it 18 months later! It's crap, I feel like I should be ok about it by now, even when Helen tells me that for the end of a 3 year relationship, I should still feel like this. If I should, then why does it feel so wrong?
I guess that underneath I'm still the same person, I just react to things worse than I used to...I don't feel as confident as I used to. I'm constantly paranoid that people dislike me. That I'm put up with rather than enjoyed. I'd about got there with Lauren, even after she had my back the whole of last year while I was depressed and going from guy to guy trying to find some way of getting over Chris, but then all this happened in August, and we just haven't been the same. The slightest word sets us off and we're fighting like cat and dog, and I hate it. I wish I didn't fight sometimes. It gets results if you fight enough, but have I lost my best friend because I have to fight? I wanted to be right, and prove that he was no good, and it got me nowhere. So is it easier not to fight sometimes?