Merry Christmas, I could care less.

Snow snow snow snow! Fucking snow!
I made the mistake of accepting a night shift at Sileby last night....As fine a shift as it was, I was watching the snow fall all night (from about 10) and it did not let up...so when I looked out and saw that there was about 4 inches of snow on my roof...I nearly cried! Ok, it wasn't frozen, it was just snow, and I cleared the car in about 5 minutes. But I left work at 7.45 this morning...And I got home at 11.15....Ok, not as bad as when there was a suicide and I was in traffic for 6 hours, but still, I was tired!
So anyone who says "oh yay, snow!" needs a slap. Severely.
If it is this bad over the xmas weekend, there is no way I'm going to work...I am NOT being stuck in Quorn all day, and I am NOT being stuck on the road for 3 hours.
I was so proud of myself though! I didn't lose control of my car at all! I decided to drive down Melbourne Ave after all, even though grandma advised against it...I didn't fancy sitting for another couple of hours in a line of traffic, truth be told. I passed a few cars going down the hill, and they were skidding everywhere...but I just drove perfectly!
Best of all though, a big pick up type (like my mother had last xmas) was struggling to get up Highlands Drive (Where I live!), and could see I was getting impatient behind him (I was very nearly home, after all!) so stopped and waited for me to go past...I just experted rolled past and shot up the road...Never been so proud of my car!
So, finally getting home after 2 1/2 hours of driving, I curled up in bed...and dropped straight off! Never been happier to have my electric blanket on!
That's all from me I think...Au reviour!
x

Don't come home for Christmas, you're the last thing I wanna see underneath the tree

So, the time of year is upon us again. Festive merriment for all!
And yet again, I don't feel festive. Not really. Mostly because everyone I know is piss poor, so we're not getting a lot...not that that's all Christmas is about, but it helps when you feel miserable!
I'm feeling...kind of annoyed actually. I've spoke to W again, and he's just putting it off...It's like he doesn't want to tell me no, but I feel like I should be promoted back up to girlfriend at some time soon, I'm doing enough!
Never mind, what can you do? Just sit here and watch Father Ted, pretending like it's all ok, I guess.
I'm mostly feeling un-Christmassy, because I've not done any Christmas shopping yet! I've been soo broke recently, I've not been able to afford it at all! But me and Aimie are going shopping when I've been paid on Wednesday so it's all good I guess, maybe I'll start to feel festive then!
And I can't be arsed to ramble anymore...
Seasons greetings!

Things aren't the same any more, some nights it gets so bad.

Why is everybody so unhappy right now?
Honestly, it's like everybody in my life is menstruating...
Everybody is missing someone, or leaving someone, or is unhappy with someone.
Like me, like Li, like Lauren, we miss someone. Like my big sister, just split up with her boyfriend and the father of her (well, one of her) children. And my dad is pissed with his wife over some money stuff (so I've heard).
But there's me. I'm unhappy. Yes, I miss my ex a lot. Like, really bad. I asked a guy out recently, who, incidentally, is my ex from about this time last year, and he's great, he's the only one of them that I've actually missed and gone out of my way just to be with, and my family love him, he's been there for me and he actually cheers me up just by talking to me. So I asked him out because I'm lonely and I miss being with him. So imagine that sunken feeling when I'm told that he needs until after Christmas to think about it. Just a few more weeks for me to feel sad., a few more weeks for me to miss the other guy, and a few more weeks for me to look for someone else...
Why do I just want to look around when I'm alone? I just can't stand to be alone. I watch tv, or films, and people fall in love and they kiss, and the girl lies in the guy's arms, or with his arm around her sitting on the sofa, or creeping up behind her to hug her, or making him a bacon sandwich (ha!)...
So I'm watching these things, and I make believe that she's me. And that he's mine. But he's not the actor, he's my Chris again. I'm holding him, we're lying in bed with Dylan between us and we're talking about having kids. So imagine why I'm so gutted that I lost that. Why I gave that up. Imagine the knife cutting into me when I read his reply to "Do you still love me?" as "no" that word. That tiny insignificant word just tore my life apart. That two-lettered, one syllable word giving that feeling, just in the top of your chest that feels like something's just trying to tear its way out and shout "Hey look at me! Remember when this was a good feeling because he told you you were pretty? Way to go, ass hole!" Isn't it strange how the same feeling can be good and bad, dependant on the circumstances? This feeling, coupled with "you're so beautiful" and a kiss, is ^_^...just a blush and a giggle and it'll be the best feeling in the world. But the feeling, coupled with the insults and the heartbreak, is the worst feeling in the world. It feels like there is nothing you will be able to do to mask it, or to forget about it.
How do you stop it? How can I stop missing him so badly? How do I get rid of this feeling?
I tried moving on, that failed somewhat epicly.
I tried being alone, but frankly, that's worse, since it comes with loneliness.
I tried dieting to make myself feel good, but since it's coupled with the loneliness, it turns to over eating, and comfort eating, which makes a spiral occur...which ends in me getting this fat. And I'm far too sad to do anything about it because I don't see the point any more (and I do realise that I've just identified the point, I may be fat and depressed, but I'm not stupid).
But there was the one guy I actually felt something for, he was all the way in Newcastle, but I felt like I actually stood a chance at being happy with this guy but this red tape was thrown up by this psycho ex...which I accepted...but then the psycho wasn't a problem. I was. But he wouldn't tell me, so I just got led on, constantly being told that someone else was the reason...when I confronted him about it, he admitted it. He didn't want me any more, which I could have accepted if I hadn't been led astray before. Was he just screwing me to get at my ex? Was I just a conquest to him?
So which, I ask myself, hurts more?
Your boyfriend of 3 years  forgetting you so fast it makes your head spin, or the person who made you feel like he was the one, and he at least liked you as much as you liked him? Which hurts more? Which makes me want to rip my heart out of my chest and throw my heart at him? Who should get a freshly torn heart thrown at him? Answers on a postcard please.
I'm trying to get over it all, but there's barely a day goes by where I don't think about either of them. Help.

I got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match

Everybody is either writing blogs about the cold (yea, thanks, me and my urticaria hadn't noticed) or about loneliness. I've come to the conclusion that everybody is cold and lonely. I know that if I'm not the latter, I'm definately the former. I'm lonely. I am. And I hate it. All of my friends seem to have formed their own little group that just doesn't include me, I don't seem to get included anymore unless they're in my kitchen and I go and join in (which I do frequently) but then I feel like a gooseberry, like they're willing me to bugger off back to my room and my sewing (don't sound like crazy cat lady at all!).
I just looked up at the word urticaria, and it oddly looks like some sort of UTI....it's not. JFGI....:D
Thing is, aside from being lonely, I don't know how I feel. About anything. I feel like I did in sixth form, like people are just 'putting up with me' until we graduate next year. I know for a fact that my sixth form friends just 'put up with me' thanks to the harsh words of Chris when we split up (except Sally, who I loved to bits)..but Chris...*sigh* God, I miss him...it's stupid. I don't know what it is, probably just because I'm sat on my grandma's laptop on a Saturday morning instead of waking up with him to go watch the football...why do I still miss that after about 18 months? I just wish at least that he'd still talk to me, at least be able to talk to him without feeling saddened, like I've lost out. But I have.
Enough of that. Bad Kaydie. Just...Talk about something else!
Your mum!
Sorry, automatic reaction.
Friends, then. Why don't I feel like I have any? I don't know why...Grr...Probably just being paranoid I guess...I hope. They say that the friends you make at uni are the ones you'll have for life, but I wonder to myself, how many of them will I actually keep in touch with? How many of them will want to keep in touch with me? If Li does get into Notts and is in Derby for 2 and a half years, how often will I go and see him, and how often will he want to see me? I miss first year...we were so close. None of this shit with Lauren, none of this shit with every bloke under the sun and pondering which one I like enough to go out with, and should I take him to the christening? It was always the same choice, and as boring as it sounds, I want to just have the same choice I had for 3 years. Everything major that happened to me recently, happened with him. I started uni, my dad got married, I learnt to drive, got my first car, my sister had her first baby, I turned 18 (woop, partay!), first time and all that comes with it, Dylan's christening. Maybe that's why I can't see anything major happening without him, maybe that's why I want him in the church with me tomorrow, as I stand up there, God mother to my beautiful nephew, telling me I look beautiful and probably not put on as much weight as I did last year! It doesn't sound the same coming from anyone else as it did him. As much as I'd deny it and refuse to accept the compliment, it always meant so much to me, that I did believe it (maybe not beautiful, but I accepted that I was pretty) but now I don't have it, he'd probably throw a snow ball at me than talk to me, let alone tell me that missed me or that I'm beautiful.
So yes, I do have troubled thoughts, with a self-esteem to match...and I know that people get sick of me (I know that Lauren does)....I think anyone inside my head for a day would probably shoot me for bitching about shit :P