Why is everybody so unhappy right now?
Honestly, it's like everybody in my life is menstruating...
Everybody is missing someone, or leaving someone, or is unhappy with someone.
Like me, like Li, like Lauren, we miss someone. Like my big sister, just split up with her boyfriend and the father of her (well, one of her) children. And my dad is pissed with his wife over some money stuff (so I've heard).
But there's me. I'm unhappy. Yes, I miss my ex a lot. Like, really bad. I asked a guy out recently, who, incidentally, is my ex from about this time last year, and he's great, he's the only one of them that I've actually missed and gone out of my way just to be with, and my family love him, he's been there for me and he actually cheers me up just by talking to me. So I asked him out because I'm lonely and I miss being with him. So imagine that sunken feeling when I'm told that he needs until after Christmas to think about it. Just a few more weeks for me to feel sad., a few more weeks for me to miss the other guy, and a few more weeks for me to look for someone else...
Why do I just want to look around when I'm alone? I just can't stand to be alone. I watch tv, or films, and people fall in love and they kiss, and the girl lies in the guy's arms, or with his arm around her sitting on the sofa, or creeping up behind her to hug her, or making him a bacon sandwich (ha!)...
So I'm watching these things, and I make believe that she's me. And that he's mine. But he's not the actor, he's my Chris again. I'm holding him, we're lying in bed with Dylan between us and we're talking about having kids. So imagine why I'm so gutted that I lost that. Why I gave that up. Imagine the knife cutting into me when I read his reply to "Do you still love me?" as "no" that word. That tiny insignificant word just tore my life apart. That two-lettered, one syllable word giving that feeling, just in the top of your chest that feels like something's just trying to tear its way out and shout "Hey look at me! Remember when this was a good feeling because he told you you were pretty? Way to go, ass hole!" Isn't it strange how the same feeling can be good and bad, dependant on the circumstances? This feeling, coupled with "you're so beautiful" and a kiss, is ^_^...just a blush and a giggle and it'll be the best feeling in the world. But the feeling, coupled with the insults and the heartbreak, is the worst feeling in the world. It feels like there is nothing you will be able to do to mask it, or to forget about it.
How do you stop it? How can I stop missing him so badly? How do I get rid of this feeling?
I tried moving on, that failed somewhat epicly.
I tried being alone, but frankly, that's worse, since it comes with loneliness.
I tried dieting to make myself feel good, but since it's coupled with the loneliness, it turns to over eating, and comfort eating, which makes a spiral occur...which ends in me getting this fat. And I'm far too sad to do anything about it because I don't see the point any more (and I do realise that I've just identified the point, I may be fat and depressed, but I'm not stupid).
But there was the one guy I actually felt something for, he was all the way in Newcastle, but I felt like I actually stood a chance at being happy with this guy but this red tape was thrown up by this psycho ex...which I accepted...but then the psycho wasn't a problem. I was. But he wouldn't tell me, so I just got led on, constantly being told that someone else was the reason...when I confronted him about it, he admitted it. He didn't want me any more, which I could have accepted if I hadn't been led astray before. Was he just screwing me to get at my ex? Was I just a conquest to him?
So which, I ask myself, hurts more?
Your boyfriend of 3 years forgetting you so fast it makes your head spin, or the person who made you feel like he was the one, and he at least liked you as much as you liked him? Which hurts more? Which makes me want to rip my heart out of my chest and throw my heart at him? Who should get a freshly torn heart thrown at him? Answers on a postcard please.
I'm trying to get over it all, but there's barely a day goes by where I don't think about either of them. Help.
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