Everybody is either writing blogs about the cold (yea, thanks, me and my urticaria hadn't noticed) or about loneliness. I've come to the conclusion that everybody is cold and lonely. I know that if I'm not the latter, I'm definately the former. I'm lonely. I am. And I hate it. All of my friends seem to have formed their own little group that just doesn't include me, I don't seem to get included anymore unless they're in my kitchen and I go and join in (which I do frequently) but then I feel like a gooseberry, like they're willing me to bugger off back to my room and my sewing (don't sound like crazy cat lady at all!).
I just looked up at the word urticaria, and it oddly looks like some sort of UTI....it's not. JFGI....:D
Thing is, aside from being lonely, I don't know how I feel. About anything. I feel like I did in sixth form, like people are just 'putting up with me' until we graduate next year. I know for a fact that my sixth form friends just 'put up with me' thanks to the harsh words of Chris when we split up (except Sally, who I loved to bits)..but Chris...*sigh* God, I miss him...it's stupid. I don't know what it is, probably just because I'm sat on my grandma's laptop on a Saturday morning instead of waking up with him to go watch the football...why do I still miss that after about 18 months? I just wish at least that he'd still talk to me, at least be able to talk to him without feeling saddened, like I've lost out. But I have.
Enough of that. Bad Kaydie. Just...Talk about something else!
Your mum!
Sorry, automatic reaction.
Friends, then. Why don't I feel like I have any? I don't know why...Grr...Probably just being paranoid I guess...I hope. They say that the friends you make at uni are the ones you'll have for life, but I wonder to myself, how many of them will I actually keep in touch with? How many of them will want to keep in touch with me? If Li does get into Notts and is in Derby for 2 and a half years, how often will I go and see him, and how often will he want to see me? I miss first year...we were so close. None of this shit with Lauren, none of this shit with every bloke under the sun and pondering which one I like enough to go out with, and should I take him to the christening? It was always the same choice, and as boring as it sounds, I want to just have the same choice I had for 3 years. Everything major that happened to me recently, happened with him. I started uni, my dad got married, I learnt to drive, got my first car, my sister had her first baby, I turned 18 (woop, partay!), first time and all that comes with it, Dylan's christening. Maybe that's why I can't see anything major happening without him, maybe that's why I want him in the church with me tomorrow, as I stand up there, God mother to my beautiful nephew, telling me I look beautiful and probably not put on as much weight as I did last year! It doesn't sound the same coming from anyone else as it did him. As much as I'd deny it and refuse to accept the compliment, it always meant so much to me, that I did believe it (maybe not beautiful, but I accepted that I was pretty) but now I don't have it, he'd probably throw a snow ball at me than talk to me, let alone tell me that missed me or that I'm beautiful.
So yes, I do have troubled thoughts, with a self-esteem to match...and I know that people get sick of me (I know that Lauren does)....I think anyone inside my head for a day would probably shoot me for bitching about shit :P
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