So, the time has come once again...Dissertation is complete, exams are around the corner and I am back at home.
I was quite happy yesterday...Maybe it was the sun...
Lauren and I went swimming with Dj....who (much to my mother's disdain) I have been getting along with again.
After which, we went to the pub with Rik, who I haven't seen since I all but told him to go fuck himself in October (ish).
And it may have been the nicotine rush or seeing/speaking to him for the first time in months after everything that happened. And then giving him a lift home (since it made more sense for me to go back to Burton via Chellaston, than Dj to go to Leicester via Chellaston) and we had a chat...and since I promised, I won't tell you what about...because I promised.
But I got home, and my grandma was watching a film so my cheeriness wasn't quietened as usual...I was a little hyped....and now I'm singing my croaky throat off...which makes no sense.
Given that it's me, he obviously received the obligatory "I've seen you for the first time in months and you were...we'll say nice...so I'm gonna text you half an hour after dropping you off"
And of course, Rik being Rik, didn't reply. But then again, I've come to expect this so I wasn't exactly bothered.
Anyway, enough about my confusing and often failing love life.
I'm doing some e-learning for work. The 2 tests for me to do are 'Oxygen Therapy' and 'Mental Health'. So I thought, ok, mental health, we deal with challenging behaviours and learning difficulties, it'll be about that.
Oh no.
I'm reading about depression, self harm and suicide. I'm reading about my own mental disorder from an professional's perspective, and how to deal with it as a carer. One of the questions was "Which of these can you do to help someone with depression?" there were 5 answers, pretty standard, be informative etc etc, and one of them was to provide hope. Which I didn't select. So I got it wrong.
Now, call me strange, but I would be pissed off if some know it all carer started giving me hope in regards to my depression. They would get a big fat 'fuck off' and be done with it. I know enough about my own illness to know that you don't give hope because it doesn't make a blind bit of difference.
Par exemple.
I have been sitting in a corner for 3 days feeling that nothing is worth moving for (besides using the loo...because that would just be gross) when a woman dressed in a white tunic with a blue ID badge around her neck sits beside me telling me that it's all ok, and that things are worth it.
Do these people honestly think that I've not noticed the sun piercing through my curtains, or my friends trying to get my back up on my feet? It's almost as though she'll say "look, it's nice and sunny outside" (in that condescending way that carers do) "let's get you dressed and looking pretty so we can go to the park and get an ice cream?" and I'll look up and go "Yes! You know what, that is all I needed! Yes! Let's go and get ice cream and we'll all live happily ever after"
I'm gonna go with no...
I'm not entirely sure why I'm getting so agitated about something written by Prestige Nursing to help the carers deal with the clients who have mental disorders. Maybe it's just reading a professional caring prospective after studying the psychological aspect and suffering it first hand (which I know my mother doesn't like, and I'm sorry for rubbing it in your face again...well, sort of...I'm more debating the question on the test than anything else).
The part I did appreciate though, was the section about self harm that explained that it was a way of gaining control of their emotions and distress...which I have repeatedly explained to my dad, but he doesn't seem to get it. He hated me being on SSRIs, even if it made me better. He said I was stupid and shouted at me for self harming, which may have made it worse since guilt is often a major factor.
The presentation explained that as much as it could be a cry for attention, it is more often than not, hidden, as self harmers will be embarrassed about their scars and having to explain them to family members etc.
I really think that depression is an underrated mental disorder, and those that don't suffer from it and go "Oh, I feel all depressed" just because they feel a bit down in the dumps because, say, they got a low grade on their science paper or whatever...And when they don't understand it, they think that people who suffer from it are over reacting or playing on it.
Like me...I make jokes about it, but last year, I lived literally 5 minutes from campus and I went to only handful of lectures. I went to all of my labs, but very few of the lectures/seminars/tutorials...to a point where I never met some of the lecturers, and I failed 2 modules and am now no longer doing an honours degree.
I've been better this year, I've been to many more lectures (at least one every week, as well as going to work) and I've met all of the lecturers. But it takes me a lot. I even went a bit crazy at one point, and started almost having an anxiety attack when I knew I had to be in a crowd of a lot of people. I've since forced myself to recover from that...I still feel paranoid, but I can handle it (like in the Lamb last night, me and Lauren got there first, and instead of getting the drinks in, I went with her to the loo (ok, I did have to pee but not desperately) because I couldn't handle being in the pub alone)
Ok, so, I'm a little bit mental....and I've started having feelings for my best friend...which complicates matters....Some things happened at my birthday party (the insane one) and while I was like wtf...I wasn't complaining...he's attractive and he's a very good kisser...then I noticed that we hold hands all the time....so much so that it just feels natural and we automatically kiss hello and goodbye....so then my brain goes "you two would be perfect together....you're practically a couple anyway...." which inevitably confuses me somewhat....And he'll more than likely read this.........so.....Generic Super Hero Man, go out with me til you get fed up with me :p
I think that's about it....I should get back to my e-learning....I've been at this for a while.
Sincerely,
In need of meds
x
No comments:
Post a Comment