Merry Christmas, I could care less.

Snow snow snow snow! Fucking snow!
I made the mistake of accepting a night shift at Sileby last night....As fine a shift as it was, I was watching the snow fall all night (from about 10) and it did not let up...so when I looked out and saw that there was about 4 inches of snow on my roof...I nearly cried! Ok, it wasn't frozen, it was just snow, and I cleared the car in about 5 minutes. But I left work at 7.45 this morning...And I got home at 11.15....Ok, not as bad as when there was a suicide and I was in traffic for 6 hours, but still, I was tired!
So anyone who says "oh yay, snow!" needs a slap. Severely.
If it is this bad over the xmas weekend, there is no way I'm going to work...I am NOT being stuck in Quorn all day, and I am NOT being stuck on the road for 3 hours.
I was so proud of myself though! I didn't lose control of my car at all! I decided to drive down Melbourne Ave after all, even though grandma advised against it...I didn't fancy sitting for another couple of hours in a line of traffic, truth be told. I passed a few cars going down the hill, and they were skidding everywhere...but I just drove perfectly!
Best of all though, a big pick up type (like my mother had last xmas) was struggling to get up Highlands Drive (Where I live!), and could see I was getting impatient behind him (I was very nearly home, after all!) so stopped and waited for me to go past...I just experted rolled past and shot up the road...Never been so proud of my car!
So, finally getting home after 2 1/2 hours of driving, I curled up in bed...and dropped straight off! Never been happier to have my electric blanket on!
That's all from me I think...Au reviour!
x

Don't come home for Christmas, you're the last thing I wanna see underneath the tree

So, the time of year is upon us again. Festive merriment for all!
And yet again, I don't feel festive. Not really. Mostly because everyone I know is piss poor, so we're not getting a lot...not that that's all Christmas is about, but it helps when you feel miserable!
I'm feeling...kind of annoyed actually. I've spoke to W again, and he's just putting it off...It's like he doesn't want to tell me no, but I feel like I should be promoted back up to girlfriend at some time soon, I'm doing enough!
Never mind, what can you do? Just sit here and watch Father Ted, pretending like it's all ok, I guess.
I'm mostly feeling un-Christmassy, because I've not done any Christmas shopping yet! I've been soo broke recently, I've not been able to afford it at all! But me and Aimie are going shopping when I've been paid on Wednesday so it's all good I guess, maybe I'll start to feel festive then!
And I can't be arsed to ramble anymore...
Seasons greetings!

Things aren't the same any more, some nights it gets so bad.

Why is everybody so unhappy right now?
Honestly, it's like everybody in my life is menstruating...
Everybody is missing someone, or leaving someone, or is unhappy with someone.
Like me, like Li, like Lauren, we miss someone. Like my big sister, just split up with her boyfriend and the father of her (well, one of her) children. And my dad is pissed with his wife over some money stuff (so I've heard).
But there's me. I'm unhappy. Yes, I miss my ex a lot. Like, really bad. I asked a guy out recently, who, incidentally, is my ex from about this time last year, and he's great, he's the only one of them that I've actually missed and gone out of my way just to be with, and my family love him, he's been there for me and he actually cheers me up just by talking to me. So I asked him out because I'm lonely and I miss being with him. So imagine that sunken feeling when I'm told that he needs until after Christmas to think about it. Just a few more weeks for me to feel sad., a few more weeks for me to miss the other guy, and a few more weeks for me to look for someone else...
Why do I just want to look around when I'm alone? I just can't stand to be alone. I watch tv, or films, and people fall in love and they kiss, and the girl lies in the guy's arms, or with his arm around her sitting on the sofa, or creeping up behind her to hug her, or making him a bacon sandwich (ha!)...
So I'm watching these things, and I make believe that she's me. And that he's mine. But he's not the actor, he's my Chris again. I'm holding him, we're lying in bed with Dylan between us and we're talking about having kids. So imagine why I'm so gutted that I lost that. Why I gave that up. Imagine the knife cutting into me when I read his reply to "Do you still love me?" as "no" that word. That tiny insignificant word just tore my life apart. That two-lettered, one syllable word giving that feeling, just in the top of your chest that feels like something's just trying to tear its way out and shout "Hey look at me! Remember when this was a good feeling because he told you you were pretty? Way to go, ass hole!" Isn't it strange how the same feeling can be good and bad, dependant on the circumstances? This feeling, coupled with "you're so beautiful" and a kiss, is ^_^...just a blush and a giggle and it'll be the best feeling in the world. But the feeling, coupled with the insults and the heartbreak, is the worst feeling in the world. It feels like there is nothing you will be able to do to mask it, or to forget about it.
How do you stop it? How can I stop missing him so badly? How do I get rid of this feeling?
I tried moving on, that failed somewhat epicly.
I tried being alone, but frankly, that's worse, since it comes with loneliness.
I tried dieting to make myself feel good, but since it's coupled with the loneliness, it turns to over eating, and comfort eating, which makes a spiral occur...which ends in me getting this fat. And I'm far too sad to do anything about it because I don't see the point any more (and I do realise that I've just identified the point, I may be fat and depressed, but I'm not stupid).
But there was the one guy I actually felt something for, he was all the way in Newcastle, but I felt like I actually stood a chance at being happy with this guy but this red tape was thrown up by this psycho ex...which I accepted...but then the psycho wasn't a problem. I was. But he wouldn't tell me, so I just got led on, constantly being told that someone else was the reason...when I confronted him about it, he admitted it. He didn't want me any more, which I could have accepted if I hadn't been led astray before. Was he just screwing me to get at my ex? Was I just a conquest to him?
So which, I ask myself, hurts more?
Your boyfriend of 3 years  forgetting you so fast it makes your head spin, or the person who made you feel like he was the one, and he at least liked you as much as you liked him? Which hurts more? Which makes me want to rip my heart out of my chest and throw my heart at him? Who should get a freshly torn heart thrown at him? Answers on a postcard please.
I'm trying to get over it all, but there's barely a day goes by where I don't think about either of them. Help.

I got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match

Everybody is either writing blogs about the cold (yea, thanks, me and my urticaria hadn't noticed) or about loneliness. I've come to the conclusion that everybody is cold and lonely. I know that if I'm not the latter, I'm definately the former. I'm lonely. I am. And I hate it. All of my friends seem to have formed their own little group that just doesn't include me, I don't seem to get included anymore unless they're in my kitchen and I go and join in (which I do frequently) but then I feel like a gooseberry, like they're willing me to bugger off back to my room and my sewing (don't sound like crazy cat lady at all!).
I just looked up at the word urticaria, and it oddly looks like some sort of UTI....it's not. JFGI....:D
Thing is, aside from being lonely, I don't know how I feel. About anything. I feel like I did in sixth form, like people are just 'putting up with me' until we graduate next year. I know for a fact that my sixth form friends just 'put up with me' thanks to the harsh words of Chris when we split up (except Sally, who I loved to bits)..but Chris...*sigh* God, I miss him...it's stupid. I don't know what it is, probably just because I'm sat on my grandma's laptop on a Saturday morning instead of waking up with him to go watch the football...why do I still miss that after about 18 months? I just wish at least that he'd still talk to me, at least be able to talk to him without feeling saddened, like I've lost out. But I have.
Enough of that. Bad Kaydie. Just...Talk about something else!
Your mum!
Sorry, automatic reaction.
Friends, then. Why don't I feel like I have any? I don't know why...Grr...Probably just being paranoid I guess...I hope. They say that the friends you make at uni are the ones you'll have for life, but I wonder to myself, how many of them will I actually keep in touch with? How many of them will want to keep in touch with me? If Li does get into Notts and is in Derby for 2 and a half years, how often will I go and see him, and how often will he want to see me? I miss first year...we were so close. None of this shit with Lauren, none of this shit with every bloke under the sun and pondering which one I like enough to go out with, and should I take him to the christening? It was always the same choice, and as boring as it sounds, I want to just have the same choice I had for 3 years. Everything major that happened to me recently, happened with him. I started uni, my dad got married, I learnt to drive, got my first car, my sister had her first baby, I turned 18 (woop, partay!), first time and all that comes with it, Dylan's christening. Maybe that's why I can't see anything major happening without him, maybe that's why I want him in the church with me tomorrow, as I stand up there, God mother to my beautiful nephew, telling me I look beautiful and probably not put on as much weight as I did last year! It doesn't sound the same coming from anyone else as it did him. As much as I'd deny it and refuse to accept the compliment, it always meant so much to me, that I did believe it (maybe not beautiful, but I accepted that I was pretty) but now I don't have it, he'd probably throw a snow ball at me than talk to me, let alone tell me that missed me or that I'm beautiful.
So yes, I do have troubled thoughts, with a self-esteem to match...and I know that people get sick of me (I know that Lauren does)....I think anyone inside my head for a day would probably shoot me for bitching about shit :P

I took your love letters, corrected the grammar and sent them back

It's funny what you end up missing the most. Whether it's the ex that you desperately want to talk to, or the best friend that you know won't be your best friend again, or your mum, who moved away and you haven't seen in months, or your dad, who married a woman with evil spawn children and hates you so you moved out, or the best friend, who is still your best friend, you still see them a lot, but you just miss how they were.
Ok, it's not that my best friend has changed, he's as brilliant as he ever was, maybe more so since he came out of his shell. I just miss how we used to be, I miss it everyday. I guess I miss a time, more than a person or a thing. I miss first year. I miss getting up at 6.30 practically every morning, I miss the bus rides (ok, not so much the bus rides), I miss walking round town before going down to the bus station to go home, I miss buying a new hat because it's just started snowing and my head's cold! I miss how bloody easy my degree was! I miss getting porridge from Mcdonalds and eating it in the first Microbiology (BIOM1905, tyvm) lecture (with no questions from Dr. Ioannou), and an entire day of lectures, finishing with Dr. Pickering and her hand written OHP sheets, then to Yumchi for tea and Demon TV Pre Production meetings led by Sheena.
I miss feeling happy. Contrary to popular belief, I was incredibly happy back in first year. I was blonde and bubbly, although having just discovered that I had no friends, I was optimistic about uni and making new friends, and meeting Libor on the second day (Well, spotting him running from the registration room on the first day and having Chris point out that I was the only white person in the room!). I was blonde, and it was bright pink underneath, it looked great. I was motivated, and I was smiling every day, even when it was cold and I really couldn't be arsed to walk to the bus station (cries of "I wish I could drive!" later corrected  by Libor when I passed my test, became "I wish I had a car!" and corrected again once I'd bought a car, but couldn't drive it in because the fan belt snapped on her first journey home from Derby, became "I wish my car worked!" I miss being happy. I miss being in love. Well, in love with somebody that was there. Somebody that said "I love you too". Somebody that promised me the world and more. Somebody I wanted to marry. I miss not feeling sad. Not a day goes by anymore that I don't feel like something could be better. That I'm not going to fail, that someone wants me. I really miss not having a car, and not having to work just to survive. I miss not being in debt! That would be a nice one to go back to! I tell people that I'm doing ok with my course, that I just can't remember information, that I understand it. I can remember what a lecture has been about...but I could never tell you the details of a lecture, any of the content. I'm not motivated anymore. I don't feel that excitement of going to uni, then calling up my boyfriend to tell him about it, or getting in, making my tea and telling my dad about my day. I miss living at home really. I miss the times when it was me, dad and Jack. I miss the times when mum lived there too, when we were just a conventional family, going on picnics, to grandma's every weekend, going for walks up to the church or across the fields when people were over....I don't really like the life I have, but I know I need to make the most of it. I don't like the way I've turned out. I still wish there were certain decisions that I hadn't made 18 months ago, and I hate that I'm still mental about it 18 months later! It's crap, I feel like I should be ok about it by now, even when Helen tells me that for the end of a 3 year relationship, I should still feel like this. If I should, then why does it feel so wrong?
I guess that underneath I'm still the same person, I just react to things worse than I used to...I don't feel as confident as I used to. I'm constantly paranoid that people dislike me. That I'm put up with rather than enjoyed. I'd about got there with Lauren, even after she had my back the whole of last year while I was depressed and going from guy to guy trying to find some way of getting over Chris, but then all this happened in August, and we just haven't been the same. The slightest word sets us off and we're fighting like cat and dog, and I hate it. I wish I didn't fight sometimes. It gets results if you fight enough, but have I lost my best friend because I have to fight? I wanted to be right, and prove that he was no good, and it got me nowhere. So is it easier not to fight sometimes?

Love songs for the genuinely cunning

Ok, so, apologies for the last couple of blogs (one....maybe two....I think it might have just been one). They were majorly ranty and...Whatever. Load of shit. Sorted now. S'FINE!
Right now I'm sat listening to Fall Out Boy (*I'll be your number one with a bullet, a loaded God complex, cock it and pull it*) ah, how I miss Fall Out Boy....Any who...a few of my fingers are killing me...I've been sewing for what seems like days...probably is days, come to think of it. Peppa Pig is well and truly coming along :D..Dylan will be well pleased...I might not have any fingers left by the end of her, but it's the thought that counts...along with fingerlessness.....
And I'm confused...I mean...I think everything's ok, but...I don't know. It's not supposed to be that easy.
Ha! I just looked up and saw the word 'cock'!
But tonight should be epic. The Blanks (as The Worthless Peons in Scrubs) are at our SU tonight and we has tickets :D I just need to actually go have a shower...which means ragging myself away from the wonderous wonder of sewing my fingers off...It's weird, I'm resting my fingers, but they're itching to get back...NO FINGERS! BAD!
Great thing about Scrubs people being here, is that it's doctors and nurses cheese :D (essentially, Kaydie gets to go dressed like she's going to work...only sluttier....What? I'm allowed! Just about the only joy of actually being single.) Woop (I think).
And I'm not sure about eating today...I did more of it yesterday (woop, pizza) than I had in a few days. Day before I had a some chocolate and a sandwich. Not together...although............Today I've had some golden syrup ice cream..OMG nicest ice cream ever :) I just don't feel like eating...tell ya this though, the longer I can keep this up, the better my figure will be...long as I'm eating something...
Whatever...
Peace out baby

Well if it hurts this much, then it must be love

Right, I'm going to have another rant.
Don't you hate it when you think someone is lying to you (mostly because all the evidence points to such a conclusion) and they and the people around you manage to convince you that they're telling the truth, so you feel really bad but still have this nagging feeling that you were right and feel even worse for it? And don't you just hate it when you were right. When you find out that instead of telling the truth (like they pride themselves on doing) they lie. They let you think what you are thinking, and tell other people what they think you're thinking until they are putting thoughts into your head. Confused? Yea, me too. I'm also raving fucking mad. But there we go.
So I'm angry. I decided to go for a drive, because the mood I'm in, I wanted to go to the kitchen and pull all of the glasses out of the cupboard and smash them on the floor. So driving seemed to be the best option. It just makes me mad that I'm being made out to be the bad guy in this situation. So much so, even I was beginning to think I was being a dick, until I remembered that it was me being slagged off, and then I remembered that there was so much more than what had been written, and that made me so mad. That instead of telling me the truth, and actually talking to me about it, I got one big fat lie and I was allowed to believe it. So apparently now I'm acting like a tool. And I might be, if you didn't know how badly I felt screwed over right now. That my so-called "best friend" who now refers to me as the flatmate, was lying to me, and when asked about one incident, my other best friend lied to my face! I'm so sick of being lied to! And they wonder why I have trust issues. But now I'm eating chocolate. Because it really wouldn't be good for me to do what I want right now (smash things, crash things, hurt myself (that one in particular is taking the most restraint)) So I sew. I'm currently sewing a Peppa Pig for my nephew's Christmas present, since I can't afford real gifts this year.
So, if it comes to it, I'm not speaking to the flatmate, and I'm having it out with the other best friend when I see him tomorrow. I've had enough of this. Don't I deserve decent friends for once?

Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world.

I've completely run out of ideas here. I've been ranting for weeks now that I want a boyfriend.
So when a perfectly nice guy implies that he wants to ask me out, why do I want to run for the hills?
Because I don't want a boyfriend. I want the boyfriend that I'm never getting back. If I can have a relationship that was identical to all the fun I had in that one, then I'd take it straight away. Only it won't. It never will. So why am I still wishing like hell that I can have that back? Question two, being, it's been 18 months girl! Why do you still care?! ...Ok so that one I can't really answer. I don't know why I still care. There might have been a few shit times. Time where I felt like I might as well not be there. Times when I felt like he would be better off without me because it didn't seem like he wanted me. But then there were the good times. The times we sat up 'til late watching Supernatural or something, or playing Fallout (well, me playing FO3 on the PS3 and him on Football Manager on the PC, but you catch my drift). The times when we babysat for little Dylan and vowed that there would be one of our own one day.
That's why I care. Because I don't get one of our own. People think that I'm just jealous that he wants her, and not me, but that's not it. It's not that he's got someone else, it's that that someone isn't me. It was me for 3 years, and I can't get past that it won't be me again.
So this perfectly nice guy asks me out, and I run for the hills. And he is nice, I've only known him a year, and we got together when I was drunk...so how does that make me feel about him? Ok, so a year ago, it was a couple months after I got crushed....So I was still in rebound/suicide mode...so was he a rebound? Was he just me trying to get over him? It's driving me mad that I'm dwelling on it though....It's got the kind of, 'I need me a boyfriend...but do I want him?' written all over it...I know I want the old one back, it feels strange (still) that after 3 years I'm probably likely to never see him again.
So the last guy I liked, I mean really liked...managed-to-make-me-forget-about-the-ex liked...he messed me around, but he made a good distraction. I really thought that if he could just chill, forget about his psycho friend and accept that we could be together I could love him...but no, he's just a douche (and anyone in the loop knows who that is ;P)


So what am I afraid of?
What if I accept, I start seeing this other guy, and I stave off, just so I can feel something before I jump into bed with him (because I'm good like that ^_^), what if I do forget about the ex? Am I afraid that I'll forget? Am I afraid that I won't miss him any more, that I won't love him any more? Maybe that does scare me more than being alone. Maybe...I don't know what...I thought I was over this. I did. I announced it to a few friends, so proudly. And yet here I am, rambling about the possibility of losing that feeling? That feeling that I've wished for over a year to not feel any more...Do I really want to let it go? Am I brave enough to take the plunge and try to get myself happy again? Brave enough so that you can all stop the 24-hour suicide watch, and I can actually get on with my life without this feeling that something someone's missing from my life and my relationships? I don't know if I can.
I don't know if I'm strong enough...I know I sound melodramatic, too. Just so you all know, I do realise how 'woe is me!' I sound, trust me, I know people have got it worse. I just need somewhere to publicly vent sometimes, and facebook fails for that...And I need to work my problems out, I need to sit and explain every little thing to myself, and anyone I've tried to explain things to will know that this is a very frustrating process as I cannot articulate for the life of me!

The lunatic of a God, or the God of a lunatic?

It's blog time again.
Me and Libor are sitting in the library eating lunch....just like first year ^_^
'Cept I'm not blonde and fun....I'm a hermit apparently :D
So I don't like going out...I got dragged to town by Helen on Weds...and it was a laugh...until I got to the SU alone and I just wanted to curl up on the comfy sofa thingy and disappear. Conclusion: I need people to keep me up. It's all good. Long as someone is willing............*crickets and tumbleweed*
I need a boyfriend. I need...something. I had a vague flirt with the lad working in Nisa the other night and it just felt so fun, I've not flirted in so long! I need to have someone to call up before I go to sleep and waffle too...I waffle far too much to my housemates...I'm sure they're bored of me, so I need someone else to waffle to....
NB: This is NOT a lonely hearts ad.
Anyway, Pharm and Therapeutics lecture at 3, and then working til 10....so who cares, right? I may need some fuel...or do I? Did I fill up last week? Ya know, I think I did...yay! Now here's hoping that the gear box doesn't drop off completely on my way home...

So I've made a blog.

Right. Here we are. I've made a blog. Just like everyone else.
And knowing me, I'll only ever update this thing when I feel down, so apologies in advance for the many depressing blogs you'll be subjected to.
To be honest, I don't even know why I've started writing...I was told I should...So I did. What positive influences will I someday have on the world, all through the media of blogging? Probably none. But it's nice to dream isn't it?
And it's 5 weeks 'til Christmas everyone! Halle-frickin-lujah.
You wanna know how I've been keeping myself sane nowadays? (Well, as sane as...well, me). I've been doing cross stitch. Pokémon actually. It keeps my hands busy. So much so, that when I'm walking, I have a compulsion. I drum my thumb across my fingers. Only on my right hand...But I can't stop, and I just, sort of, notice that I'm doing it. I'm doing it now, between typing!
So yea, I don't have a life. At all. I work, ok. And I go to uni. But right now I just want to curl up in my bed with some bad tv. There's an hour until I have to go to my lecture, but I don't want to. I just want to stay here, not go out into the world and see people.
So here we are...blogging. And just so you know, there's not always a reason that I feel sad. There has been. A few fairly obvious reasons actually. But that's not it. They make me feel sad, this is just a constant feeling of recluse...ness. So there may be a few rants about ex boyfriends...and other ex boyfriends...and so-called best friends...and ex boyfriend doucheyness...and then they're best friends and their doucheyness...but in short...that's not all that happens. I've been screwed over twelve ways from Sunday recently, and that doesn't help, but when I feel like this? When I want to lie in bed, with the lights off and the curtains drawn (and it gets really dark in here)...that's how I feel most of the time.